Sad Heart...

My paternal Grandma died Christmas night this year. It was sudden and VERY unexpected... heart failure during her sleep, she was healthy, working, very active and only 71!! I am in complete shock... still not sure i really believe it... and we have already driven all the way to Nebraska for the funeral and back. The saddest part is that we were not very close. we sent Christmas cards and maybe one other correspondence during the year. I regret that. Why was I not more diligent? Our story of course is very complicated and there are several people involved... but in the end I am a grown woman and should have done more... The complicated part is the fact that my parents divorced when I was about 5 and i lived with my mom and you can imagine the rest. ( i already see the opinions that have rubbed off on Alex that are my own although i am trying very hard not to that too much) So sad how that happens... Anyways... i got her Christmas card 2 days after she died... she didn't write anything extra in it... just signed it "Grandma ****" That made me sad, i am afraid she was mad at me for not keeping in touch more... I didn't write anything extra in my card either. I just sent pictures.

At the funeral I noticed a few things... she was very loved and everyone's friend. My dad, I learned, was supposed to spend Friday with her for Christmas. My aunt and cousin had been with her on Christmas day and spent the night there... when she didn't get up in the morning, they found her... Therefore my dad was VERY sad... he did not at least get her last Christmas with her. That broke my heart... mostly because i know they are all hurting so bad... since they were much closer to her. I noticed that my dad's wife is really part of the family... i saw her tears flowing more than once. I realized that my dad and his wife really love one another... i guess i never thought about it before... not sure why. They have been married for probably 20 years at least! It was refreshing...

The whole thing is just very sad... i had to erase her name from my address list... I will never go to her house again... or see all the pictures she had on her walls or see how much she loves her kitty-cats. She will never send me a letter again, telling me all about what my cousin has been up to. My sister, April had the video half done that she always sends G-ma after Christmas of the kids. just not right. I didn't even know her birthday until the funeral.

What was nice was being "forced" to drive out there for a day... we were able to see everyone... my dad's side and then we stayed with my other grandparents (mom's side). Everyone was able to meet Anthony and see how much Alex has grown and how delightful they are. Too bad Grandma didn't get to meet Anthony before...

I definitely plan to communicate more this year.